if you want to be with me, you'll have to follow through

Several months ago I had an ambiguous male friend ask me what I thought my love language was. The fact that he is male is not ambiguous but the status of our friendship was entirely unclear to me. It should also be stated that if a question like that is not about to be followed by asking the girl out, it SHOULD NOT BE ASKED.

For those of you who don't know, the 5 love languages are, words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. The idea is that everyone has one main love language with which they need to be communicated to in order to truly feel loved. For instance if a person's main love language is words of affirmation they will respond much more to a letter than a gift. I think you get it, you're smart people.

Let me preface this by saying that I have not read the book (Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman), but from what I understand of the concept I do not agree with it. Perhaps it is simply a result of my indecisiveness but I feel that these 5 forms of expressing love are so closely interconnected that it's impossible to say that one is more important for specific individuals than others. I love it when someone says nice things to me, but if they say I'm wonderful & awesome and then don't make an effort to hang out with me then after awhile those words ring completely hollow.

I feel that for a completely mature loving relationship, all 5 need to be working closely in conjunction. It becomes about follow through. Without follow through, whispered sweet nothings become simply that, nothing. Physical touch is wonderful & important to a relationship, but if that's too much the focus the relationship certainly cannot grow. Gifts are nice, but if they aren't thoughtful then they are meaningless. Quality time cannot really be spent without some words or actions to back it up. I don't think any of these can be too far separated from the others. Perhaps Mr. Chapman says that. Perhaps I should read the book. All I know is that all 5 have their place with me & I can't even begin to rank them in order of importance.

how can it be?

i have been pondering lately why i seem to have the attraction toward guys who only see me as one of them, or if they do not see me as "one of the guys" they do not think i am awesome enough to date, but think i am awesome enough to spend a lot of time with? one can't help but feel rejected or in need of interaction with someone that makes her feel pretty and of value and actually treats her like a lady.

in all of this, the unfortionate fact surfaces that God cursed Eve (and us as daughters of eve) to desire after our husbands, to want a man... now i don't think that is bad all the time, but all to often it gets out of control, like it is in my life and so many other's. Don't get me wrong i enjoy my singleness, but at times i want to come home and not have to do everything and take care of everything. the thought of coming home and someone else making sure the bills are paid and the car is taken care of is incredibly appealing. lately, i have just increased in the desire for that partnership. this is where community has got to come in, but even in community roles i tend to be the one that takes on the role (or is given the role) of making sure everything is taken care of... i want to bust out of that mold....

anyway, those are just some thoughts

where's the disconnect?

This is a general list based off of the experiences of some of my female friends and myself.

Top Seven Things a Guy Should Not Say to a Girl in Whom He is Not Interested

(It's not that I couldn't think of 3 more, I just didn't want to be cliche by doing a top ten. :P )

7. I'm just calling because I'm bored
6. it's so easy to talk to you
5. you're beautiful
4. I love spending time with you
3. you'll make a great mother
2. you're such an awesome woman
1. you'll make a great wife

If you recognize all these things, why don't you want to date her?? Seriously, if you have a girl in your life about whom you think all of these things I want you to sit down and consider why you have relegated her to platonic friendship land.

Any guy who says these things without any follow through should be punched in the face. ("Punch _______ in the face" being my new favorite phrase, though to be fair I use it for girls too. I'm not actually that violent so no punches have actually happened.)

Note: follow through can include introducing said wonderful girl who for whatever reason you do not wish to date to one of your great guy friends who might actually man up.

Note 2: Some guys can get away with saying these things to girls with whom they are just friends, but if you're not sure it's best to keep your mouth shut.

Some interesting things to ponder here.

tracking numbers

"I think we'll date sooner if we focus on everything else, sort of like how UPS always shows up when you're in the bathroom."

An element of truth exists in this statement as it does seem UPS/DHL/FedEx/delivery service of your choice does seem to show up more quickly if you're not just sitting around staring out the window wondering when they'll arrive. That being said & while it is largely subconscious, you do make some preparations to receive your box. You make sure you're home, you probably make sure you have some sort of clothing on, you shovel the walk if it has been snowing, you check the tracking number to make sure it is to arrive on the day you expected it. As nice as it would be, I'm not suggesting that future spouses should have tracking numbers. Having faith in God's plan for you is so important, but that doesn't mean you should be off singing in the shower completely oblivious to the potential arrival. Many of the essential steps toward walking down the aisle occur long before bended knees & engagement rings, flowers & dinners, furtive glances & flirty smiles. In fact the preparation for marriage begins before you even meet that special someone for the first time. And a lot of it is not sitting around waiting for your life to begin or for someone to "complete you." It's about enjoying life. It's about recognizing that it's okay to desire marriage, but that only God can make you content. And it's about honesty with yourself about who you are and what you want and being able to be honest with others. It's about understanding the habits and behaviors you have that could be damaging to a relationship and a willingness to work toward positive change. So no I'm not sitting around waiting for the UPS man to show (unless he's cute & single ;) ) but I am making sure snow doesn't obstruct the path. This doesn't mean that my heart is accessible to anyone, it just means that I am open to a relationship & ready for when the right guy wants to walk up and knock on my door.

contributing

If you would like to be a guest author on this page, let me know. As blessed with wisdom & insight on this subject as I am, a slight possibility exists that one or two of you may have ideas that never crossed my mind. Crazy, I know but who am I to ignore statistical improbabilities? Seriously though, I'd love to open this up for other thoughts & ideas, so if you have something that simply cannot be contained in the comments section or if you want to bring up something I haven't, let me know & we'll see where we can go with it.

There has been a lot of stuff floating around my head lately related to dating. I have often posted those things on my original flavor blog, but I decided to start a separate blog devoted solely to the topic. The main reason for doing this is that I can write about it here all I want & if it's not a particular topic that interests you, you can just stick to the regular ole blog & pretend this one doesn't exist. Though, it does exist and too much denial is unhealthy, so be careful. In an effort to make this first post on the date-a-blog somewhat related to the topic, here's a great quote from Gilmore Girls that I'm pretty sure more guys need to hear. This is from a scene where Luke is listening to some relationship self-help tapes. Yes, it's a bit cheesy, but I really wonder what would happen if guys would seriously ask themselves these things . . .

Whose phone calls or visits are never unwanted or too long? Do you see her face? Who would you most like to have in your life to ward off moments of loneliness? Do you see her face? When you travel, who would make your travels more enjoyable? Do you see her face? When you're in pain, who would you most like to comfort you? Do you see her face? When something wonderful happens in your life -- a promotion at work, a successful refinancing -- who do you want to share the news with? Do you see her face? Whose face appears to you, my friend? Whose face?