Several months ago I had an ambiguous male friend ask me what I thought my love language was. The fact that he is male is not ambiguous but the status of our friendship was entirely unclear to me. It should also be stated that if a question like that is not about to be followed by asking the girl out, it SHOULD NOT BE ASKED.
For those of you who don't know, the 5 love languages are, words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. The idea is that everyone has one main love language with which they need to be communicated to in order to truly feel loved. For instance if a person's main love language is words of affirmation they will respond much more to a letter than a gift. I think you get it, you're smart people.
Let me preface this by saying that I have not read the book (Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman), but from what I understand of the concept I do not agree with it. Perhaps it is simply a result of my indecisiveness but I feel that these 5 forms of expressing love are so closely interconnected that it's impossible to say that one is more important for specific individuals than others. I love it when someone says nice things to me, but if they say I'm wonderful & awesome and then don't make an effort to hang out with me then after awhile those words ring completely hollow.
I feel that for a completely mature loving relationship, all 5 need to be working closely in conjunction. It becomes about follow through. Without follow through, whispered sweet nothings become simply that, nothing. Physical touch is wonderful & important to a relationship, but if that's too much the focus the relationship certainly cannot grow. Gifts are nice, but if they aren't thoughtful then they are meaningless. Quality time cannot really be spent without some words or actions to back it up. I don't think any of these can be too far separated from the others. Perhaps Mr. Chapman says that. Perhaps I should read the book. All I know is that all 5 have their place with me & I can't even begin to rank them in order of importance.
2 comments:
one of my favorite questions in interviews is "what would people who know you best say?" it's usually about your strengths, weaknesses, etc. but in cases like this, maybe we aren't the best ones to assess our own love languages. that is, what would your closest friends say you ask them for the most? or what would they say disappoints you the most if a they neglect it? sometimes I wish I would ask my friends these questions more, but that seems a little strange.
I think you should read the book.
What I like the most with this "magic 5" concept is that it asks the question, not what do you respond best to, but what is the language of your partner? and then you put that into practice. It doesn't mean you stop doing the other things by any means, it just opens your eyes to what really gets that sig-o in your life going - and maybe that changes from season to season. Really, it's more about relating to the other person in your life than it is about recognizing what makes you feel most loved. Which, of course, being in a dating blog such as this, is really a bit irrelevant. But I've found that it can just as easilly be applied to friends or co-workers. There's a woman I work with who is always sending people cards. So on her birthday, I knew she would like a card (and flowers). There's someone who always sends encouraging emails, so I give him notes of encouragement on his desk or board. In a positive manner, you realize that people love the way they want to be loved. And it really turns into a lot of fun (and a bit satisfying) finding that one way that gets them going the most.
Raj, I say, ask away.
Post a Comment