I loved this article, as well as the one refrenced in the article.
While I am hesitant to say men are aware of their "buddy" mentality and do not care of the consequences it has on women, I do believe they are weary of accepting responsibility for change.
The question all of this leaves me asking is; how do I avoid allowing myself to become a "buddy"?
I think a lot of the problem is that we've convinced ourselves that not only is it possible and okay to have deep platonic friendships with the opposite sex but we've also convinced ourselves that it's necessary. And I think unfortunately these friendships have fulfilled the role that courtship used to have. Not only are they fulfilling our emotional needs, but we get a lot of the benefit of a relationship without the burden of commitment. If a girl is cool with being "just friends" with a guy which a lot of us want to prove we are, we won't get on his case for not calling & we can't always expect him to be there. We aren't forcing guys to grow up and take their rightful places. I'm not saying it's all guys' faults, though I think they are the ones who "benefit" most. Girls have accepted this role & even seek it out. I think we enjoy the friendships as much as guys do, the problem is we often hope it will go somewhere & we're the ones who usually end up hurt. I think one thing to do, which may sound a little out there, is to not put ourselves in a position that allows these deep friendships to take place. Yes it's okay to be friends with guys, I love my guy friends but I also know that when I hang out with them alone it leads my heart to places that usually end up hurting me. I think avoiding these situations as much as possible is the first step. To be fair this is something I have so far failed at, but I am working on it. And most guys worth dating will respect you for making an effort to guard your heart & it may even force them to step up & ask you out instead of enjoying you as a buddy.
haha, I just wanted to add a little shock value to my comment.
seriously though, guys get hurt by these sorts of relationships too. I would say that it is unfair to classify women as being hurt "more often" by these relationships. That implies that more guys are irresponsible in relationships than girls, and I know from personal experience and from the experiences of others to whom I have talked. In fact, a case could be made for women actually perpetuating this cycle. They spend their time looking for guys that are not good for them, get hurt, and then lean on a guy friend. I don't necessarily think that women are at fault for this. I think there is much culpability on both sexes, but that's the key word - both.
This is an interesting conversation. I was very hurt by a "friend who led me to believe that we were more than friends." But, who hasn't been hurt by one of those frienships? At the same time, I don't think we can say, "never behave this way/ say this around a a girl that you wouldn't date."
For example, Pieter and I enjoy(ed) a very affectionate friendship. We made it clear that we had a great respect for one another in a cutsy sort of way, but we absolutely knew that we were FRIENDS. And, it was okay because we knew that we were, and always would be, simply, friends.
I truly believe that this is about communication and not being afraid to label things as they are. When I found out that the "boy who hurt me" (for clarification's sake, this boy is obviously not Pete) would never consider dating me, it felt as if he robbed me of my dreams. I wish he would have told me that 5 years ago!
4 comments:
I loved this article, as well as the one refrenced in the article.
While I am hesitant to say men are aware of their "buddy" mentality and do not care of the consequences it has on women, I do believe they are weary of accepting responsibility for change.
The question all of this leaves me asking is; how do I avoid allowing myself to become a "buddy"?
I think a lot of the problem is that we've convinced ourselves that not only is it possible and okay to have deep platonic friendships with the opposite sex but we've also convinced ourselves that it's necessary. And I think unfortunately these friendships have fulfilled the role that courtship used to have. Not only are they fulfilling our emotional needs, but we get a lot of the benefit of a relationship without the burden of commitment. If a girl is cool with being "just friends" with a guy which a lot of us want to prove we are, we won't get on his case for not calling & we can't always expect him to be there. We aren't forcing guys to grow up and take their rightful places. I'm not saying it's all guys' faults, though I think they are the ones who "benefit" most. Girls have accepted this role & even seek it out. I think we enjoy the friendships as much as guys do, the problem is we often hope it will go somewhere & we're the ones who usually end up hurt. I think one thing to do, which may sound a little out there, is to not put ourselves in a position that allows these deep friendships to take place. Yes it's okay to be friends with guys, I love my guy friends but I also know that when I hang out with them alone it leads my heart to places that usually end up hurting me. I think avoiding these situations as much as possible is the first step. To be fair this is something I have so far failed at, but I am working on it. And most guys worth dating will respect you for making an effort to guard your heart & it may even force them to step up & ask you out instead of enjoying you as a buddy.
bull.
haha, I just wanted to add a little shock value to my comment.
seriously though, guys get hurt by these sorts of relationships too. I would say that it is unfair to classify women as being hurt "more often" by these relationships. That implies that more guys are irresponsible in relationships than girls, and I know from personal experience and from the experiences of others to whom I have talked. In fact, a case could be made for women actually perpetuating this cycle. They spend their time looking for guys that are not good for them, get hurt, and then lean on a guy friend. I don't necessarily think that women are at fault for this. I think there is much culpability on both sexes, but that's the key word - both.
This is an interesting conversation. I was very hurt by a "friend who led me to believe that we were more than friends." But, who hasn't been hurt by one of those frienships? At the same time, I don't think we can say, "never behave this way/ say this around a a girl that you wouldn't date."
For example, Pieter and I
enjoy(ed) a very affectionate friendship. We made it clear that we had a great respect for one another in a cutsy sort of way, but we absolutely knew that we were FRIENDS. And, it was okay because we knew that we were, and always would be, simply, friends.
I truly believe that this is about communication and not being afraid to label things as they are. When I found out that the "boy who hurt me" (for clarification's sake, this boy is obviously not Pete) would never consider dating me, it felt as if he robbed me of my dreams. I wish he would have told me that 5 years ago!
Oh, if we could only talk to one another!
Post a Comment